Community for Community: How LGBTQ+ folks Can Support LGBTQ+ Friends and Chosen Family Who are Experiencing Abuse

LGBTQ+ people experience domestic violence at higher rates than cisgender and heterosexual people, with BIPOC LGBTQ+, transgender, and bisexual people disproportionately impacted. Yet, there is very little representation or visibility for our community, which can prevent survivors from seeking support and safety. LGBTQ+ people are more likely to seek out friends and community for support than a shelter, hotline, or service provider. So, when your friend or loved one discloses that they are experiencing abuse, your reaction matters. We have the power to provide communities of support and care so that LGBTQ+ survivors are not alone and get the support they need and deserve

Do

Listen

This might be the first time they have told someone about the abuse, or they may have experienced negative responses in the past when they disclosed to others. Allow them to talk about what they have been through, without interrupting or judging.


Believe

Let them know you believe them and that this is not their fault. Many survivors blame themselves for the abuse. Letting survivors know that there is nothing they did to deserve or cause the abuse is critical. Many LGBTQ+ survivors struggle with blaming themselves or thinking that abuse doesn’t happen in the LGBTQ+ community. Reminding them that abuse can happen to anyone of any gender, and the gender of their partner does not make this any less serious can be powerful and important.


Ask What You Can Do To Help

Asking what you can do to support them allows survivors to tell you what they most need or are looking for. Sometimes it can be helpful to offer options of ways you can support them. For example, you can offer to be there to listen when they need to talk. You could offer to be a part of their safety plan and develop a code word or phrase that they say, text, or call you with when they need help. You can also offer to connect the survivor to resources. You can offer to look up shelters, hotlines, domestic violence organizations, therapists or counselors, and other supportive resources for them. But remember, it is the survivor’s choice what resources they do or don’t want to pursue.


Take Care of Yourself

Supporting loved ones through abuse can be overwhelming. It is important that you take care of yourself and seek the support that you need. Particularly if you are a survivor yourself, hearing about someone else’s experience can be painful and potentially triggering. Some strategies could be:

  • Talk to a friend, therapist, or support person (while protecting the confidentiality and privacy of the survivor).
  • Journal and reflect on what emotions are coming up for you.
  • Find time for movement such as walking, exercising, or practicing yoga.


Don’t

Tell the survivor to just leave

Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, and it often requires careful thought, consideration, and planning to ensure that the survivor stays safe. Leaving is rarely simple. Additionally, pressuring a survivor to leave may make them feel like they can’t come to you for support and feel as though they are being judged or not understood. Many survivors cannot leave due to:

  • Lack of safe housing options
  • Immigration status
  • Fear of being outed to friends, family, or employers
  • Financial reliance on the abusive partner
  • Concerns about children’s safety or custody
  • Concerns about pets’ safety or custody
  • Threats of violence
  • Fear that the abusive partner will hurt them
  • Lack of social supports
  • And more


Tell the survivor what to do

Abuse is about power and control, and it is critical that survivors have power and control in their own healing and safety processes. Offering support, to connect the survivor to resources, and/or going with the survivor to access those resources can be powerful. However, forcing, pressuring, or coercing the survivor to take certain steps can be actively detrimental and unsafe for the survivor. Avoid phrases like “you should”, “you have to”, and “you need to”. Reporting to police, seeking domestic violence shelter, filing a restraining order, talking to a survivor advocate, starting therapy, going to support groups, and more are all options that a survivor may choose, but they are all deeply personal decisions that have ramifications and impacts on their life. Survivors and survivors alone get to decide what paths are right for them.


Share your own experiences with abuse or trauma

Avoid sharing your own stories about trauma or abuse, or stories of people that you know. You may be a survivor yourself and connect with or relate to something that the survivor shared with you. However, the moment a survivor is disclosing is vulnerable and difficult. It can be overwhelming, triggering, and discouraging for them to hear about other people’s trauma in that moment. Disclosing yourself, while well intentioned, can inadvertently make the situation about you instead of them.