Understanding Identity Abuse

Identity abuse is a form of emotional or psychological abuse in which a person uses someone’s identity, such as their gender identity, sexual orientation, or health status, to demean, manipulate, or control them. If you are experiencing any of the following, you may have experienced identity abuse.  

• Your partner threatens to out your sexual orientation, gender identity, or HIV status to friends, family, or employers.  
• Your partner uses false stereotypes as a tactic to emotionally abuse and control you.  
• Your partner tells you that you deserve abuse or will never find another partner who treats you better.   
• Your partner makes you feel bad about their gender expression through guilting, shaming, mocking, or making underhand comments.  
• Your partner intentionally uses incorrect pronouns or gendered language with you or in front of others.  
• Your partner normalizes violence in LGBTQ+ relationships.  
• Your partner uses institutionalized homophobia or transphobia against you, such as threats involving police, employers, immigration systems, or healthcare access.  
• Your partner fetishizes your identity as transgender or bisexual.   
• Your partner uses their experience being out for longer to maintain control over you.  
• Your partner touches body parts that you don’t want touched or calls body parts by names that are offensive to you.   
• Your partner prevents you from having friendships with people of certain genders or from being connected to community  
• Your partner denies you access to gender affirming care.  

 

What Identity Abuse Can Look Like 

Identity abuse may also show up in the things your partner says to justify, minimize, or excuse their behavior, such as:  

• “You are bisexual so you could be attracted to literally anyone. So I don’t trust you to see your so called “friends” if I’m not there.”  
• “It’s not that serious if a woman did it.”  
• “Man up.”  
• “If you leave me, I’ll tell your parents that you are a lesbian.”  
• “No one will believe you because of how masc presenting you are”  
• “No one will take you seriously because you dress so feminine.”   
• “It’s really not that bad. All guys fight like this.”   
• “No one else would love you. You have HIV. Who could you possible find who is better than me?”   

 

If You are Experiencing Identity Abuse

If you are experiencing identity abuse, know that this is not your fault and you do not deserve to be treated this way. Abuse that targets your identity is still abuse. You deserve relationships built on respect, safety, and affirmation. Support is available, and you are not alone.  

When seeking support, there are many avenues towards healing that can be beneficial. You can learn more about what options and resources are available to LGBTQ+ survivors: