Coming Out Safely: A Guide for Survivors

Coming Out 

“Coming out” is a, often ongoing process, by which a person shares aspects of their identity with others. Coming out can be complicated and vary from individual to individual. While everyone deserves to be welcomed, supported, and loved in their wholeness as they are, the reality is that many people navigate relationships with friends, family, and workplaces that may be unsafe, unwelcoming, or uncomfortable to share aspects of their identity with. Everyone has a right to share information about their identity with those in their life on their own terms.

Outing

“Outing” is when someone shares information about an individual’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or HIV status without their permission or consent.

Outing can be used as a tactic of abuse:

• An abuser may threaten to out a survivor to prevent them from leaving or to control their behavior.
  
• This can be abuser threatening to out a survivor to friends, family, or a workplace. It can have impacts on a survivor’s social networks, familial support, housing stability, or job stability.
  
• Outing may look explicit and threatening (“if you leave me, I’ll tell your employer that you’re gay”) or it may look guilting and coercive (“If you really love me, you’d tell your parents about us”).
  
• For LGBTQ+ youth, being outed to family members or caregivers can pose particularly dangerous. According to a study done by Chapin Hall at the University of Chicago, LGBTQ youth are 120% more likely to experience homelessness than non-LGBTQ youth, due to family and caregiver rejection.

Safety Planning for Outing

If you are concerned about coming out or outing impacting your physical, emotional, or financial safety, consider coming up with a safety plan. Some questions to explore:

• Who do I feel safe with?
  
• Who is in my support system?
  
• Who do I want to come out to in my support system?
  
• What are reactions that I could expect when I come out?
  
• What are reactions that I worry about?
  
• What are reactions I hope for?
  
• Is there a time that would be best for me to come out?
  
• Is there a location that would be best for me to come out?
  
• Do I want to practice what I will say ahead of time?
  
• Would coming out impact my housing? If so, where are some alternative places I could stay (friends, family, LGBTQ+ center resources, shelters)?
  
• Would coming out impact my job or income sources? If so, what are some ways I can plan to increase my financial independence in the moment and over time?
  
• Would coming out impact my transportation options? If so, what are some alternative methods of transportation I can explore?
  
• What are resources in my community that I can utilize that support LGBTQ+ community members?
  
• Sometimes people in your support system will not have the reaction that you deserve when you come out. This is not your fault. You deserve to feel loved, celebrated, and cherished. Your identity is real and valid, and you deserve to feel affirmed in your identity. Your safety and wellbeing are the most important things to consider. Support is out there. Consider reaching out to these 24/7 hotlines for additional support:

Trevor Project: 866-488-7386

Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860

Anti Violence Project: 212-714-1141